Backpackin: where the flannels roam free
Well, it’s that time of year again. That time when nature comes a hollerin’ and calls you out into her forested bossoms. Maybe it’s just cabin fever from Covid but now you’ve found yourself 15 miles off the main road, with a bag of beef jerky in your pocket as you hit the dusty trail.
Backpackin’ season has arrived.
Now with any adventure, you gotta make sure you have the proper gear. Between the bears, poison oak, bloodthirsty mosquitoes, and the occasional groundhog, you need to come protected.
Top 3 most important gear for backpacking
1) Your Flannel.
Your flannel is your basic protection from the elements. It’s the only thing separating us from the bare-assed animals you’re likely to encounter in the wild. While animals are prisoner to the capricious nature of the elements, us highly evolved sapiens have crafted ingenious tools like The Flannel to regulate our temperature. Like the hermit crab depends on its shell, the human has a natural symbiosis with the flannel. A well-crafted wool flannel will stay breathable in the hottest of days, while giving you a warm, comforting bear hug when the temperature drops to nipple hardening, scrotum retracting lows. Your nipples may be hard, but the flannel always stays soft.
Fact: no one has ever died from hypothermia or heat stroke while wearing a flannel shirt.
2) Your Flannel...again
The first rule of backpackin’ is looking good. The second rule is never fart in a sealed sleeping bag. The third rule, in reference to the first rule, is that nothing looks better while backpackin’ than a flannel.
When our ancient ancestors first crafted the original flannel shirts (originally out of bronze and saber tooth tiger intestines), it was first and foremost a fashion statement. In fact, the latin word for “fashion” is Flannelus Fabulousinus.
As our ancestors were hanging in the forest, kicking dirt, they had to look good to attract mates and proliferate the species. And nothin’ got our prehistoric grannies goin’ more than the old boxes and stripes. Even after all these years, the flannel still knows how to bring that heat - and we’re not talking about the campfire - we’re talking about sex. So, if you’re backpackin’ with your crush, your flannel is a must. If you’re with your honey, your flannel is your buddy, and if you’re campin’ with bae, you’re flannel’s gonna get you laid. Ahhhhhhhhhhh yeah.
3) You guessed it - your flannel
Hands down, the flannel is the greatest multi-use gear for backpackin’. I double-dog dare you to think of a single item of camping gear that couldn’t be replaced by your flannel. Your tent? Just drape your flannel shirt over a sturdy stick and BOOM - best tent you’ve ever pitched. Your mosquito repellent? Flannels are naturally mosquito resistant. Those needle-nosed assholes couldn’t penetrate your flannel’s cotton armored core if their 24-hour-long lives depended on it. Sleeping bag? Just stick your legs through the arm holes, and you’ll have the best night sleep of your life. Hungry? Nothing satiates the body like chewing on a nice piece of checkered wool. And If times get desperate, a flannel can even be your toilet paper. Double-ply Charmin? You ain’t wiped until you’ve wiped with triple-ply flannel.
Well there you have it boys and girls. As you can clearly see, the flannel is the king - nay - the emperor - NAY - the mayor - of all backpacking equipment. In fact if you’re really trying to go ultra-light and cut down on the weight you’re carrying, flannel might as well be the ONLY backpackin’ gear you bring.
